Balancing Shadows

For long I thought that I must fight my shadows, block them out

In the last two years I realized I couldn’t ignore them forever, because even when I managed to keep them off for a few months, they always found a way to creep back and get me carried to their depths

As my understanding deepened hand in hand with the exploration of my shadows, I thought that after all they weren’t as bad as I thought and it wouldn’t harm me to surrender for a while to them

I knew that each time I would reemerge a bit stronger, a bit more aware

I still tried to block them though, because I am impatient at heart and wanted to make leaps in my progression, not little steps

Blocking them never worked

For instance, refraining to live my sexuality because of a fetish or attraction to another person than my twin soul

refraining from reading novels when I got too carried and engrossed in one, as much as losing all consciousness of self while reading them

staying away from social media for two years after having deleted all my accounts there to avoid being sucked in a like and comment frenzy

Right now I understand that wanting to exclude one whole piece of my person is not something that can be done, ruling out from my life sexuality or social relationships

of course it didn’t work on the long term, and my shadows ended catching up with me

And now for the first time I realize I cannot block them out, but instead need to find a balance in each and every one of them, keeping the distasteful away, and instead transforming it through love

I should not block out my sexuality, but instead accept all the parts of it that don’t make me forget who I am

I should not stop reading, but instead read with moderation always keeping my writer’s soul awakened as I flip through the leaves

I should not stay away from social media and others, but instead of waiting to be praised and acclaimed I should just focus on sharing my light, my love, expecting nothing in return

What about my strange fascination with statistics, with weather patterns, that is more of an anguish

I should find a way to use my mathematician mind in the worlds I am building, that’s it

weaving complex plots, crafting complex magic systems

 

We are two incomplete halves, and you have all the answers I am looking for, and I am all the answers you are looking for

probably none of us can build a proper world and proper characters for now, because we each have half the skill, half the gift, complementing one another

and the broken shards, this half, we each have becomes destructive for ourselves as we need to use them in something, but we don’t use them for the right things

The question is, can I truly balance my shadows now, can I act as I have written

or should I surrender to time and patience, and continue living as I am living, tolerating shadows with the faith that they will recede by themselves someday

or that someday I will be strong enough to find this balance I am looking for

but what is still lacking, why not to make of someday today?

The Spring is here at our doorsteps and time has come for what has died to renew itself

time has come to wake up every morning and rejoice in the budding plants within me

time has come to act