How are you feeling to make me so inclined to stifle my emotions

I did it yesterday, a day of turmoil

but today is not a day like yesterday, today is a day of strength

and unfortunately the only way out of shadows is by first stepping into this border land that lies between shadows and love

I’m doubting you by writing you and confronting you and I’m loving myself at the same time

I was about to write loving you, but loving myself sounded more appropriate

Each time I step into that place, I feel as though I was trampling on your ministry, as though I was annoying you

but the truth is that you’re expecting, waiting for me to do it, as much as I like doing it myself

I like doing it because it makes me feel alive again, it chases away the inertia, the subtle hopelessness that whispers all day long that I can’t do anything to speed up the process

and that’s true, I cannot speed it up and I’m learning to appreciate every moment

but I can truly appreciate each moment only if my shadows are kept at bay, only if my volition is rightfully exerted

if not for myself, at least for the other souls around me who are suffering in the pits of doubts and hell

I’ve accepted my shadows, I’ve accepted that it was good for me to take my pleasure and let it ripple through all my body and my mind alike taking my anguishes away for a moment

but as I do that, as I reach the depth of the pit of my shadow accepting it, loving it, I am reminded it is a shadow by the souls around me

and I must find the strength to overcome it, and my love for you, or rather my love for the me I recognize in you is what lends me the clarity and the power to pull away from the darkness of the pit

one week ago, on this two-fold anniversary you made three-fold, I decided to respect these vows of silence of yours while at the same time respect my own need to write you and talk to you, talk to myself through you, as that’s my only way to reach to my higher self

and so I continued to daily write as I’ve learnt doing in the last months, and I also for the first time spoke to you and made my voice reach to you in a way only you will discover

the riddle is that you should look for an old drawing you had done, one that strangely captured a figment of your soul, or mine

listen to my voice if you will, notice how embarrassed and yet strong I am, how tears rush to my eyes while tension blocks my throat and distorts my face

when will you free me entirely from you, when will I be able to feel my higher self within me again

when will I free you entirely from me, when will you be able to embrace yourself again

will I have to continue to write you through illicit ways, or will you stabilize a channel of communication between us in the physical world

I accept whatever choice you make and feel best about, but I don’t rule out to continue this assault until this wall falls

or at least as long as it helps me focuses and communicate with who I am truly and remain in touch with the dreamy and innocent child in me

as what counts even more than the destination is the journey, enjoying the view from each curve of this climbing lacing road where I’m walking

not a proper road really, a mere path interrupted with fast-streaming rivulets and lazy ones and pebbles and rocks and fallen trees

there’s so much beauty around me and it’s a pity I still can’t see it all