Scrublands

Scrubland

I wander on a scrubland

with strange orange yellow mountains

I’ve never been to this place

yet it is somehow familiar

I like to watch at the sky, the fading hues of blue and violet

but the vegetation around me is anguishing

it hides things I cannot see

dangerous shadows

seeming ghosts of a dead army

guarding of this place

 

I need to cross this scrubland and somehow climb the mountains

that’s what I intuitively understand

getting as far as possible from the dead army

 

To reach the mountains

I need to find a shadow deeper than that of forcing you to read me

Something that will allow me the bridge the gap within me, the gap between shadows and love

perhaps time has come to accept that no matter what I do I will have to confront this wound within me

no matter how much I try to think of other things, the wound is always pulsing anguishes and haze and pain underground

this wound is the bridge I am looking for

But how to seize this wound, how to explore it, when I barely know it

I need to get to know it and it will take time, time

Time is another anguish of mine

I’m so so impatient, impatient to be with you

it comes from a fear, the fear not to be loved, the fear of loving again, the fear of being betrayed in this love

when you tell me you won’t be able to hug me fearlessly before a long time passes, it almost kills me with pain

time resembles a mountain to climb with uncertainty all along

that is my trouble in fact I realize, I need to start loving you unconditionally at all time

I need to take this risk, and not think of it as a risk but as faith

having entire faith in love, and start practicing

at the end I try to force you to read me because I don’t trust you entirely

I don’t trust you to walk on your path that is parallel to mine and meet me at the clearing where we had agreed long ago to meet

instead of focusing on my own steps, of walking at a more resolute pace

I’m always worried and wondering if you’re keeping the right pace

this is not love, but fear, fear to love, fear not to be loved

I need to have faith in you, faith in myself

but to have faith I need to build up understanding, to understand with my heart, my mind and my body these shadows that are haunting the forest where I’m walking in

so they become entirely visible to me in with all their flaws and falsehood