Shifting Balance

I tell myself I have entirely explored my shadows

I am done with them and should now strive to become my true self

but the next moment, or the next week, I’m confronted to something deeper I had not envisioned

something so strong it cannot be ignored, or blocked

and I surrender, and feel bad for surrendering and going against the pledge I had made to myself, written in words even

after I delve again into my shadow, I understand that in a way it has helped me because I have defeated a new fear and I have become stronger


So when are shadows to be confronted, and when instead should they be embraced

I can’t answer that question in precise words, and it’s more of an intuitive understanding that is slowly formed, and often stretched

my life is the most rewarding when I live the most intensely I can, when most of my time is dedicated to activities I love, writing, painting, reading, cooking, walking outdoors

and sometimes there are interludes when I feel empty and start surfing endlessly the web, looking for completeness in self-pleasuring or with my best friend, doubting and being anguished about life

I try to fight those moments, because I believe, I know, wholeness must be found within myself if I ever want to be happy, and life deserves to be trusted

but sometimes, often, these moments are too overwhelming to be fought, the emptiness leaves me without passion and I surrender to the wave

until I take a plunge and discover a new layer of resolve underneath, one to be even more fearless and determined

when should I take the plunge, and when instead should I stay firm on my ground and fight the wave

there are times for each

when you fight the wave and succeed in creating a counter current, a maelstrom protecting you, you will feel even more powerful and your creation will reach a new level

at other times you don’t feel like fighting the wave, and your only desire is to surrender

at those times, just surrender, trying to understand why you’re doing it, what need you are filling, what fear is keeping you trapped

when you delve into your shadow, push it, stretch it to the extreme, to where you realize it’s all a lie and it’s not bringing you the completeness you seek for

don’t let your fears limit yourself in shadows, because after all if life has placed that dimension in you, it is meant to help you become the person you truly are, and help you understand truth and love

once the shadows have fulfilled their purpose, they will vanish away on their own

meanwhile, whether in love or in shadows, live fearlessly, energetically, consciously

and try to find your perfect balance that is ever shifting with the melody of your soul


And now my twin of truth and love, may I reflect on your shadows too

I should call you my twin of truth and love and shadows to be more truthful right now

you’re escaping from yourself, afraid to take this final decision you’ve been contemplating that will deeply disappoint and worry your family

is it the right decision to take? that’s a question only you can answer

a question I can answer to from my own side, by trying to find the strength you need

you’re afraid of me too, and that’s why you’ve been blocking all communication between us

trying to pretend I don’t exist, or simply keeping my voice, my intensity, out of your life for a while so you can quietly follow your own path

you’re also hooking up with some random boys you know you don’t love

just to fill for a while your physical emptiness

you can’t fool yourself anymore in believing you love them, but nonetheless you crave for these moments of close intimacy and pleasure

and I understand you, I understand each of your fears, of your needs

it takes time to become our dreamed person, and I’m struggling as much as you struggle

all I can say is that we’re helping each other on this path, experiencing steepness and harshness until we find the element of beauty and sweetness in them, learning to love all what surrounds us


What does it mean, to love a shadow, to love suffering, to love our current unhappiness

it means first of all understand the purpose of each thing, each experience

and it means having faith in ourselves, faith in life, entire faith

all what we’re going through has a certain beauty in it because it’s helping us grow, and discover who we truly are, and become that

it’s helping us define and concentrate the light in us, to share it with the world afterward

and we’re writing ourselves on this path, trying to capture all the complexity of our selves in prose and poetry, drawings and paintings

and we’re doing it for our own selves first and foremost, for the purpose of understanding, and that of giving an outlet to all the creativity and love and ideas and emotions that dwell in us

and later, perhaps these words may become useful and inspiring for other people journeying in this world