Febrility

I must now attempt to heal this febrility

that plagues all the days of my life

by disrupting my focus

by making me do things I don’t truly want to do

carried by an anguished energy

 

This craving to increase the number of my followers on social media

to see their number rise, is unnatural

it’s related to my need to be accepted, loved, admired

it’s related to your need to be accepted, to complete what you’ve started

to choose the rational secure option over the perilous one

and it’s holding us trapped

 

It is not a single anguish we are speaking about

but a web of tiny interwoven anguishes

I eat too fast, I wash my teeth too fast, I do my body exercises too hastily

it’s sort of an anguish of the time that passes, an impatience

this impatience that makes me break a story or a poem in the middle as my inspiration reaches a low

to check my blog and other social media if I have not received a new like, a new comment, a new message

 

It’s an impatience, a seething related to my incompleteness within

this gap that makes that I don’t love myself entirely

a gap that will be filled only when I will be writing all the fantasy stories I ought to write

so taken will I be within my the worlds I will weave

 

But no, that’s not the solution

that’s a consequence of my love for you

This love is a shy, restrained fire in my heart for now

because I still distrust you, I still hold a grudge against you

each of your actions I scrutinize, judge and fear

 

That is my real problem

all what you do my beloved, is out of suffering for my own good

you’re not happier than I am

no at the contrary, when you force yourself to do things you don’t like

you’re even more miserable than I am

but it’s a necessary evil, to show me my own shortcomings

to show me where I need to improve

to have more faith in you and in life

more love for you and for myself

 

And now I walk a few steps in your direction

you are turning your back to me

but you feel my presence and you turn around

and your face is not harsh and tight as I feared

you’re smiling and crying, your hair in the wind

I look into your eyes, and we start smiling and sobbing uncontrollably

fast running clouds obscure our brows and then let an ever fairer sun

shine on our hearts