Agony

Again I’m losing my focus

my eyes are rambling around

instead of looking directly in your gaze

for that’s where I’ll read the truth

for that’s where I’ll discover where to go next

 

Your gaze

your eyes

I’ve so often forgotten them lately

the light they can bring in my life and in my heart

casting the shadows away

 

We’re in agony

we’re in agony and we don’t want to recognize it

we don’t want to confront this wound so painful it is

Instead we prefer to haze, we prefer to divert our attention

on trivial matters, on mundanities, on petty anguishes

burying the wound under a pile of sand

But it’s here, it’s here underneath the crust

and no matter how much we fight it and strive to forget it

it will still be here weighing each and every day on our life

 

You have rejected me because this the line of action that lends you energy right now

even if you’re aware of your love for me, you know I’m strong enough to walk on along my path on my own

and you know that when I’m too sad there’s my faerie sister to support me nearby

but still, the sadness and the melancholy of having done what you did is a huge burden you try to ignore, you try to pretend it doesn’t even exist

but someday, someday, you will accept to confront it, and you will cry for me, and you will cry for yourself

 

Meanwhile, I’ve been hurt and hurt and hurt until my skin has grown calluses everywhere

or rather I’ve let the blows hit me in the deepest, and I’m less afraid of them as I survived despite the pain

but at the same I’m hurting my faerie sister by not being able to give her the love she deserves, the love only her twin will be able to give her someday

and so I’m also feeling as you feel, by rejecting her and not reassuring her I’m sensing it is the right thing to do, as it is the course of action that lends me energy instead of taking it away from me

and yet I suffer to see her suffer, I suffer not to be able to wipe away this worry from her brow and this shadow from her heart

and someday I will cry for her and for myself too, because no one deserves to feel as unloved as she right now feels, as I once felt, as you refuse to feel, as her twin refuses to feel too

That’s why I’m doing the right thing by following my own truth trusting life to give her the strength to find her own truth too

 

Time has come to stop fleeing from this confrontation with the pain of our wound

This stifled agony will remain, until we embrace and heal it

Chiding you in my confrontation is not the way to heal

Instead I must rekindle my love for you deep within

under the piles of refuse that have accumulated there today

I close my eyes and try with all my strength to see your face and your gaze

I feel a tension invading my head

I don’t see you but I sense you far far away

and I smile to you as we had smiled to each other

and I feel a smiling breeze settling on my lips

and a need to smile and smile that is hampered by the knot in my throat